Lost, lonely and in self destruct mode

Sitting here wonder how the fuck do I actually feel!

I speak to my friends on a daily basis we ask how each other are and every time I find myself saying “yeah I’m cool, you know how it is. How are you” but if course that’s my way of avoiding the conversation. Of course they don’t know how it is, how I’m feeling and how could they?

The biggest fear I have is being a burden to people around me, people not wanting to be around me if I’m not full of banter and joy. Truth is at the moment I am not happy, I am lost and I don’t even know how to help myself.

All I want to do is sleep, I don’t want to social (but I force myself to so I’m not isolating myself) I don’t want to work, I’m not motivated and in general I just have no clue what I need to do about it! I’m looking for something/someone to fill a void that doesn’t need to be filled it needs to be healed.

We’re living in a world where everybody is “living their best life” and it’s draining! I love seeing people around me succeed and do well and so many are, but also makes me look at myself and think well “why can’t I motivate myself to do better”

How do you heal when you don’t know why you need to heal? How do you ask for help when you don’t know what you need help with? I can’t even pin point when these feelings started creep back in and I’m so frustrated.

I want to help myself but I don’t know how like where do I start?

Lost, lonely and in self destruct mode!

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Learning to be alone

How do you learn how to be happy alone if you have never really been alone?

Since I had my daughter in 2008 I don’t think I can honestly say I have been “alone” I was on and off with my daughters dad for years after we broke up, then I had 2 relationships following on from that break up. 10 years later I’m single and like “ok now I need someone else” but why?! No matter how much I tell myself I can be alone I never really have.

I think when you’re used to relationships like I am you’re used to that go to person, random convos, visits, someone that is just always there at the end of the phone and I don’t have that anymore and I’m struggling.

I need to learn how to date non-exclusively, practice detachment, how to enjoy my own company, how to love myself, how to be the person I’ve always destined to be. These things all sound so simple but not to me, this is going to be a working progress!

I’ve realised I allow myself to be “used” to a certain degree just because I don’t know how to be by myself and that’s sad. How can I allow others to use me just because I want to feel wanted?

I have to meet myself on a different level and find someone that knows themselves deeply so when we come together we have the right balance to be a successful partnership.

I know I am better person than I am right now and have more to offer than I do right now so I have to work hard on becoming that better person ALONE. There is nothing to say I can’t date, but I can’t be looking for a relationship or someone to complete me – only I can do that!

Maintaining friendships and social media…

This summer has really been a test! Do you ever feel like you have just taken on too much for the sake of not missing out?

I sit and dwell if I can’t make an event, I see everyone living it up (on social media) and feel like I am the only person in the world not out enjoying life – this is a lie but social media makes you feel that way. Drake said it best ” I know a girl that saves pictures from places she’s flown, to post later and make it look like she’s still on the go” but then I go and I’m like “mehhh” so I just make it look like as much fun as possible for the gram cos that’s life right?! 🤷🏾‍♀️

Why do we do this? Why do we live our lives trying to keep up with “friends” and trying to impress other people? Are we even living live to make ourselves happy? This brings me to my next point… saying no!

Have you ever decided that you just don’t want to go somewhere or be around certain people so you politely decline and it’s like you’ve committed a crime?!! Like why must I attend? Am I any less of a friend if I say no? Will there not be other events? Will you die if I don’t come? I don’t think so! Nothing infuriates me more than people that feel that they are entitled to my time. If I say no I have a good reason (even if that reason is I don’t want to)

As I get older I feel like it is harder to maintain friendships as some a purely based on the activities you do with that person, rather than based on a real connection.

You’ll notice you have friends you rave with, friends you meet up with and get the kids together, friends you travel with, friends you work with and the list is endless. But you also have a handful of REAL friends you can do all of those things with and those are the friendships I choose to prioritise.

These people understand if I cancel, don’t have money or just can’t face life – the real MVP!

This summer I’ve been to two out of the three festivals I booked and I enjoyed both but I’m done! I don’t know if it’s age or just my taste is maturing but all I’m interested in now is concerts and brunch 😂 or anything to do with food and sitting down!

Don’t get me wrong I still like to let my hair down and turn up but I’m defo at a stage in life where my energy is shifting and I need to focus on other things. This being said here are my goals in regards to maintaining friendships and social media:

  • • Remove myself from social media (insta primarily)
  • • Focus more on the real friendships I have and make time for each of them
  • • Save the money wasted on “not wanting to miss out” and put that towards travelling whether that be with friends or family
  • • Create real and authentic memories and live in the moment not influence by how many likes my pics or videos will get.
  • Hope you enjoyed reading… I’ll leave you with this:
  • Leave the past where it belongs?

    Have you ever re-entered the past hoping to get different answers just to make yourself feel better? Sounds dumb right? But these are the exact things I do that prevent me from moving forward.

    I had a conversation tonight that started off light-hearted but for me (in my mind) went sideways because I didn’t get the answers I was seeking!

    Sometimes in life you ask people questions expecting a certain answer, and when don’t get the answer you were looking for you’re disappointed!!! How can you be disappointed, you set yourself up for a fall by assuming the other person know’s what you want/need to hear?!

    Everyone wants honesty, everyone wants the truth but only if it fits in with what they want to hear 💭

    I think sometimes we explore the past hoping for a different outcome because we’re not over over it. Whether it be stuff from your childhood, relationships, friendships etc you only go looking for answers in those places if you have not finished with that chapter… closure is everything!

    Tonight I have opened up a chapter of a book I never finished that has been gathering dust under my bed for the past 4 years and now the decision is whether to put that book back (without even dusting it off) or finish it, and move on…

    I am not prepared to keep revisiting the past and holding myself back, time for CLOSURE!

    This post is very ominous I know but I’m sure you’ll all find out more.

    Thanks for reading, please leave any comments below 😊

    Goals and focus

    Hey guys,

    After speaking with a friend the other day I decided to keep up with my posting so I’m back!

    Since returning from holiday it’s pretty much been non-stop BUT I have had time to sit down and focus at some points. I feel like there is so much more to achieve and I won’t lie, although I really want to my actions and mindset say otherwise! I have decided to change that and go for everything I want no matter how much hard work it may be. I have decided to do things that make me scared and anxious and just throw myself in at the deep end. I have decided to live my life without limitations!

    This month I went to reading for the weekend, the plan was to get the train up after work. But during my lunch break I sat there and thought why am I wasting 20+ on trains when I can just drive…. so I did! If you guys have read my previous posts you will see that this was a big thing for me and it was nowhere near as bad as I imagined… no limitations 😊

    It was a great weekend and if you was looking for a spa break I would highly recommend it!

    I stayed at the Crowne Plaza and got upgraded to a executive suite with a lovely view of the river. They have a pool, steam room, sauna and jacuzzi all free of charge for guests! They also have spa treatments at an additional cost. It’s in a great location 15 mins away from the town centre and the Oracle which has loads of shops, bars restaurants, cinemas and even found a pop up beach bar. Was a lovely weekend and definitely needed!

    Making time for yourself without children, and all your normal daily stresses is essential for your mental health. Everyone needs a break and time to unwind. Sometimes everything around you is moving so fast you need to be able to step away and slow down.

    The last few weeks I have found I am a lot more chilled, not allowing myself to be wound up, not responding to negativity and if i want to protect my peace I need to continue to do these things and not rise every someone tries to get at me.

    Hopefully this new attitude will continue, there are so many exciting things coming up that it’s impossible not to be excited.

    New Feels 💛🥂

    Dubai

    Sooooo it’s been a while since I’ve posted but if I’m honest I’ve been booked out and during the quiet moments I haven’t even know what to say!

    Currently on a sun lounger imagining how good life would be if I lived somewhere as beautiful as Dubai! My friend who currently lives out here has showed be how safe it is, how chilled, how beautiful and how many opportunities there are.

    On my first day here my cousin said “can you see yourself living there” and I said ” I don’t know” now I can without a doubt say yes.

    Things that would stop me:

    • Missing friends/family
    • Fear

    I say these things and then looks at my friendship groups… there are some I would never see again and others I would never get rid of (no names lol) but isn’t this a great way of filtering out and seeing who supports your new life and consciously would make and effort?! If fear and anxiety wasn’t such a big issue I would be off in a heart beat! Sometimes I set so many limitations on myself I honestly hinder my own progression, any one else do the same?

    Anyway a bit more about Dubai… it’s beautiful. I look around and it’s difficult to believe at times this is all man made, it’s amazing!

    Beautiful beaches, skylines, shopping centres, people, houses literally nothing has disappointed. If you’re a planning to come here are a few things I would suggest:

    • Atlantis water park (no matter how old you are)
    • Dubai and Emirates mall (expensive to shop but amazing to look at)
    • Burj Khalifa (if you’re on a budget go to the Dubai mall at night and it lights up beautifully and you can get great pics)
    • Dubai mall fountains
    • JBR Beach
    • Ruffles spa (amazing and has a pool bar)
    • Cheese cake factory 😍

    We have only had 5 days so haven’t managed to fit everything in but will defo be back to do the dessert trail. If you want to do all these things bring lots of money also, it’s not cheap out here and use the groupon/Cobone app for Dubai to get yourself some great deals!

    This trip has been eye opening and I’m sure on the 7.5 hour flight home I’ll have time to digest. It’s also been great catching up with my friend, it’s funny how you can know someone for 16 years but never really know their story until you spend quality time with them. I rate and appreciate more now than ever!

    If anyone is flying out and wants and pointers let me know, for now I’ll leave you with this beautiful pic…

    *this post was written on 3rd June 2018… I didn’t even realise it didn’t post but hope you enjoyed reading 😘

    Cloudy minds and goals

    Hey, I know I’ve been missing but I hope everyone is well.

    I haven’t written anything in a while because honestly my mind has been so clouded that I wouldn’t have even known how to express myself in a way you would all be able to understand.

    Sometimes there are just so many thoughts running through my head I can’t separate them all, this causes me to just fall into a bad mood and negative thinking. Once I’m in that mindset it is so hard to reset and shake it off.

    Recently I started writing down 3 things I am grateful for everyday, this has allowed me to sit down on those cloudy days and pinpoint good things. This also helps me sleep better as I am going to sleep on a good note and have removed the negative (even if it is temporary)

    Anxiety is one of those things I have accepted I will just have to learn to manage. There are so many coping mechanism I have researched that life won’t be a torturous as it feels some days, this makes me feel so much better about being able to overcome my negative thoughts and feelings and just smash all my goals!

    Another thing I have done is set myself GOALS… Things that I want to achieve, whether big or small that are realistic (Setting unrealistic expectations is just another way to put yourself down) I’ll share a few with you guys:

    1. Do a motorway drive

    2. Go to a workshop I am interested in alone

    3. Start working out at least 3 times per week whether at home or elsewhere

    All these goals are realistic, number 2 gives me the most anxiety closely followed by number 1 BUT they can be achieved!

    There is a great workbook I brought for my friend and I from a page on Instagram called @crazycreativecool literally this book is amazing and the creator completely gets it as she has been there (follow her page)

    Hopefully I’ll be keeping up with the blog a lot more!

    💜